Midnight Musings

Ebb and flow
Life and death
Beginnings and endings
Stop and go

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Pushing back the tide and pulling out my hair;
If I relent, I sink
If my fingers are still, I obsess

I dance in my mind, executing perfect pirouettes
The familiar fantasy foil to an improv performance spinning out of control

Where did this story begin and where does it end?

Swimming out to sea, black clouds are all I see, see, see;
If I let my arms rest, I'm sunk
If I release my fears, I'm swallowed

I, alone, author the Story of My Life; isn't that right?

Reading, praying, hoping, trying, crying, laughing, cleaning, eating;
If I read enough, I will find the Truth
If I pray enough, I will know my Path
If I hope enough, a job will come
If I try enough, I'll have done what could be done
If I cry enough, the sadness will disappear
If I laugh enough, my soul will find cheer
If I clean enough, everything will be under control
If I eat enough, I'll fill the empty hole

Empty and open wide, clean me out from the inside;
Starting fresh and feeling new,
My shell is cracked for all to view.

Ebb and flow
Life and death
Beginnings and endings
Stop and go

Mental Mush

Every night I find myself wanting to write. I want to blog, I want to start writing a children's book, a novel, a journal entry, poetry - anything. And the minute I sit dow to put my words onto paper or type my words on a blank screen, all I get is Mush. I have too much to say, I don't want to always sound like a whining broken record, everything I want to express is cliche. I don't have the energy to collect my thoughts, let alone put two ideas together. So instead of trying to do anything, here are some of the words that are floating around in my head:

tired

restless

sad

emotional

pulling

hungry

optimistic

pessimistic

magical

relaxed

peaceful

spiritual

secret

music

tactile

paper

envelopes

postage

A New Chapter

On March 19, 2009 I was laid off from my job as a copywriter in Scottsdale. I have yet to find another full-time job that pays enough to pay the regular bills as well as afford daycare which would be necessary with my two small children.

This past year has been rough. I have had to face so many challenges that sometimes I would like to erase it all from my memory. I cry some days, I laugh on other days and try to find my center in this universe that seems to be spinning out of control around me. Most of the time I pray that Delaney makes it out of this okay and that Mia and Bodhi are young enough that they won't remember how hard this has been on all of us. And in general, I feel I've done a pretty good job remembering and honoring what really matters in this life - namely my family and my close friends. In this regard, I'm the richest person in the world and I know it.

But, about 6 weeks ago, gray clouds started to gather overhead. Rumors began creeping around the shop that the City of Mesa would be going through another round of layoffs and this time, the fleet services department would not be spared like they were before. At first, it was reported that there would be 6-7 people lost, and then it was 3. For a little while I held out hope that Trent would not be one of the unlucky 3.

But, yesterday he received his official papers. Trent will also be out of a full-time job on July 1, 2010. And on that day, we will be on the road to spend a month in Idaho as a family. Our home will go on the market for short sale and we will open a new chapter in our life.

I'm not sure how the story will read, but it's sure to be full of highs, lows and everything in between. And in the meantime I will appreciate the freedom that comes with losing it "all" in terms of material and financial wealth. When you aren't tied to a job, a house, or a credit score, you can suddenly see a world of opportunities that simply weren't possible when the monetary strings were attached.

Recognition for the Right Reasons

Today, I was informed that I got a raise. Woo hoo! Although I am making much less than I was at my previous job, and this one is only part-time, I nearly cried when my boss passed the news along to me. Was it because of the money? In part, yes, but the bigger reason was because he felt I "deserved it." Really?!?

At my previous job, I saw people hired, promoted, congratulated, recognized and praised who fit the "mold" of the perfect employee - Gucci bag, check! Designer suit, check! Dinner reservations at the trendy restaurant, check! Family connections, check! What a disappointment. You were either in the right clique, or you were out.

I'll never forget the day when I re-arranged my cubicle and moved my framed diploma from one wall to another. Clearly the new placement was much more visible. Within 30 minutes, the Executive VP of the company stopped, commented about how impressive it was (as if he hadn't known this already?! He was one of the people who hired me!) and looked at me with a respect and admiration I had been striving for the entire 4 years I had worked there. Within another 30 minutes, the President and CEO of the company repeated his performance, almost to a T.

So, that's what I should have been doing? Trying to fit into a mold? All it would have taken to have them notice and take an interest in me was a few knock-off bags, a fake tan and a penchant for the "finer" things in life? Wow. I never knew a shiny frame and a fake diploma commanded such power and influence.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Sometimes, people cannot see beyond themselves to truly recognize another person's talents and contributions. They get distracted from the quality of the work and level of determination and become fixated on the razzle dazzle. Like a moth to a flame.

I also learned that when you do work for someone who is able to recognize someone for their actual work and dedication, that you're in a better position than many. Regardless of money.

Today, I feel appreciated, recognized and valuable. And what kind of ROI (return on investment) does that give the company? An employee who will work even harder to exceed expectations, do a great job and will truly enjoy coming in to work. You can't buy people who really care. That's something I believe is earned.

Today has been a good day

It has been quite a while since I have felt like I have a measure of control over my life. There are moments here and there but for the most part it's like I'm trapped in a weird wormhole, careening out of control, without aim, purpose or self worth.

I've gained weight, been overwhelmed with crushing stress and anxiety, and I'm not the mom I want to be for my kids nor the kind of wife I would like to be for my husband. At the same time, I have also learned some valuable lessons about what really matters in life.

At nearly every family gathering I attend, I find myself tearing up and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude for the loved ones I proudly call my family (both my birth family and my married family). I know without a doubt that if the world fell apart, we would all come together with a strength and force that few have ever seen. We would combine our drive, determination, intelligence, dedication and faith (in all its forms) and we would survive. In fact, I believe we would thrive. Perhaps that's what makes us great and what sets us apart from many others. We may not have a great deal of money collectively, but the strength of our family bonds is something that cannot be bought, traded, sold or auctioned off.

I've embraced and relied on my spirituality to get me through difficult moments, hours, days and months.

I've learned that honesty and humility won't kill you or make people turn away from you. I've learned that I enjoy working with my hands and exceeding people's expectations. I love being creative and doing new things that no one else does. I've learned that the love Trent and I share is real, true and pretty durable!

It's funny how these things are taken for granted as we go through the motions of our life.

And today I feel a renewed sense of peace that I feel is noteworthy. Today has been a good day.

Artistic Endeavors

So I have decided to create art using a medium I just can't get enough of - paper! I absolutely love paper. I can't tell you how many books and journals I have because there's such an allure for me to write and create.

I am using canvas boards for my small-scale pieces and then I am mounting the handmade, specialty, cardstock varieties of paper on recycled cardboard to give depth to the art. I love all things that shimmer so the canvases are decorated with metallic paints to maximize the effect of light on the piece throughout the day and at night with changing light.

I have a crazy amount of ideas for what I would like to create and 2 more are ready to be mounted and photographed tonight. Depending on how ambitious I'm feeling, I may get started tonight on the huge piece I originally set out to do (until I decided I wanted to practice a bit on smaller pieces first). I'll be sure to post pictures when the new ones are completed. Let me know what you think! Once I have a few done I will create an Etsy store and officially start selling.

Some days I just wanna get off this ride

It's been a crazy long time since I have posted and after a pretty good day, I read a blog entry or two about a woman whose husband lost his job and I find myself in tears again. Right now I'm sad that I lost my job.

Grief is weird that way, I think. Just when you feel like you're over it and happily moving along, something crops up and takes you back to the sadness, the disappointment, the hurt, the embarassment and the loss.

I truly believe that things happen for a reason and most days I try with all my might to keep things in perspective, but like a bad breakup, 7 months later I'm struggling to move on.

I'm bummed out that we are down to one car, I'm really unsure what's going to happen with us financially, I don't know if working freelance can work for us or if I should be knocking on companies' doors. I dread thinking about how it would affect Mia and Bodhi if I went back to a 9-5 job or how they would do if we lost our home. I hate not being able to take Delaney shopping for school clothes and not having the money to give her to go to the movies with her friends.

On the flipside, I am trying my hand at mixed media art. I have done a couple small-scale pieces but am really looking forward to creating large-scale works. The first will debut in our living room.

I have also had the unique opportunity to be home with my kids more. I get to take Mia to preschool in the mornings and I took 2 trips to Idaho this summer.

I cook a lot more now. I make a mean lasagna, have a killer party appetizer, created a gourmet potato casserole and made homemade jam all by myself (Pearberry Plum and Cinnayummy Pear).

I've written a few poems, read a few books. I've meditated, prayed, spent time with friends and family and cried on my husband's shoulder.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but for today I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and pray that I'm on the right path.